a few attempts at humor

Since redesigning the newsletter at LifePoint, I've included a side column that features a bit of humor. A few samples should suffice ...

Forgotten Bible Slogans

• When it comes to building the perfect ship, nothing works better than gopher wood.
• Prophets may rock but shepherds rule.
• Why betray a friend with a handshake when you can do it with a kiss?
• Rebellion isn’t cool.
• Don’t blame the locusts.
• Healthy miracles are high in Omega-3 Fatty Acids.
• In hell, all the coffee is cold.
• Love your neighbor but choose your neighborhood wisely.
• Recycle your papyrus.
• WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive?

If Church Were More Like Starbucks

• Worship leaders would be called worship baristas and be expected to remember your favorite songs.
• Communion would taste more like biscotti.
• With leather seats and catchy music, you might actually be tempted to stick around when it's over.
• Your favorite song would have ten different words in the title, one of which would be soy.
• Contribution gift cards.
• T-Mobile Hot Spots in the sanctuary.
• Angry neighbors would complain about the “gentrification” of their neighborhood. And then they would come anyway.
• Church newsletters would carry the disclaimer: Caution Contents Are Very Hot.

Songs You May Never Hear Quoted at LifePoint

• Shoplifters of the World Unite (The Smiths)
• Nothing's Gonna Change My Clothes (They Might Be Giants)
• I Love You But You're Boring (The Beautiful South)
• I Got My Mojo Working And I Thought You'd Like To Know (The Young Fresh Fellows)
• All The Things You Could Be By Now If Sigmund Freud's Wife Was Your Mother (Charles Mingus)
• A Short Reprise for Mary Todd, Who Went Insane, But for Very Good Reasons (Sufjan Stevens)
• We the Cats Shall Hep Ya (Cab Calloway)
• Kicker Of Elves (Guided By Voices)
• Satan Gave Me a Taco (Beck)